Which Idol Will Go Down On You In A (Nokia) Theater?

Sorry, couldn't resist the pun. The Bowdlerized version of "You Oughtta Know" was the a-ha moment of the night for me: I was thinking crazy, like "wow, Haley is kicking ass tonight. Maybe she could edge out Lauren..." and then I remembered the judges gave Haley the "angry" song, which can't even be sung to full effect because they take out all the dirty talk. So it was TPTB's final Cobra Kai leg sweep on Haley, designed to take her out. We'll see in the results tonight.

Full disclosure:Dr. L is at a conference in a different time zone, so we had to "watch" Idol by text and computer! Still, I will try to give y'all our take on Top Three night.

1st impressions: this is always the show where they recrap audition clips, to show "how far we've come". Man, Lauren had even frizzier hair and thicker eyeshadow than I remembered. But when she had nothing to lose, she sang so much better.

Showed snippets of home visits, and even James got one; is it me, or was his crowd even bigger than some of the top three's?

SeaCrestWhiteStrips says next week is Tues-Wednesday. Wonder why? Tonight, round one is contestant pick, round two is Jimmy Iovine (which spellcheck keeps making Bovine on my phone, so now, he will be named that here, too) and then the judges' picks.

Idols come out: I always say one of TPTB sabotage methods is outfit. And....Wtf is Lauren wearing? Looks like someone took Captain Kangaroo's jacket and made a Kountry Hooker outfit out of it, complete with 1970s white boots.


Beyonce is mentor. I recently learned her hair is almost 100% wig, so can't help but notice this (blonde helmet effect). Show the judges, and I get impression Randy looks like Mr. Rogers tonight, while JLo looks like Riff Raff in the last 5 minutes of Rocky Horror, or maybe Cindy Lou Who from The Grinch. Steven looks like Steven so I guess it's 70s night.


ROUND ONE

Scotty picked Lone Star song: popular, good choice to pander to fans. But a theme begins: wtf did Scotty pick TONIGHT to test his upper register? It ain't happening, and even Beyonce says she's scared. BTW, he looks like he's en route to a hayride here, not national stardom.
Background singers mask how weak his high notes are, but you can tell. Won't affect his core voters. Judges mostly praised, which was also the theme of the night. Softballs for everyone.

Lauren looks like a kid on a field trip when she meets Beyonce.

She's doing Faith Hill Wild One -- never heard it. But it's a fast song -- which is trouble for Lauren. And... she's sharp all the way through, trying to keep up. Out of breath. Sounds like a round 2-3 song to me, not Top Three night. Ran out of juice on big note at end. Judges give her Idol code "you're having fun", which means "we have nothing good to say". She thinks she did great. BTW, Lauren's mom has on a shirt that looks like a Barbie Camper from the (again) 70s. Wish I had snapped a pic of that.

Haley is singing Led Zep, What is and What Should Never Be. Yep, it's 70s night. Contrast her standing next to Beyonce with Lauren: see the difference?
Haley's Dad is playing guitar. Sweet. This is great -- OH SHIT, she fell. Good recovery. Audience is so proud of her for bouncing back, and JLo says same kind of thing happened to her last week. They liked it, and it was the best of the first round by a mile. I like her spirit: so much more pleasant than Lauren's Kountry Princess, I wish this girl could make it to next week, but she's probably doomed.


ROUND TWO


Bovine chose something for Scotty I couldn't make out: Thompson Square? Captions weren't working. Never heard of it, he compared it to Tom Petty. I guess I can see that, though a more corn-pone version. Generic Kountry. Man, he's trying too hard, singing outside his range. But hey, he could literally take a crap onstage at this point and win. Judges lick his boots, for a karaoke performance. JLo wants Scotty to buzz his hair again: what do you think? Early Scotty reminds me too much of Banjo Kid from Deliverance. Randy compared him to Garth -- give me a fucking break.

Lauren split her panty hose so she's given an embarrassing moment as Makeup knocks the shine off her legs. Weird. The ripped hose would have completed the Kountry Hooker look. WTF?!!! They always say shit to Lauren like "Can you beleive you're almost to the finale?" This is Brainwashing, America, don't be sheep. Bovine picks a song from Perry (?), If I Died Young. Again, never heard of it. Sounds Emo, the opposite of Lauren. She predictably has zero connection to the song, it's bland, she cuts off the last note (as always) to grin and say "thanku!!!. Finish the song first, Honey. She's like a Nascar driver that cuts the engine on the last lap and then the better drivers blow by her. She flubbed a key change mid song and judges call her on it but use the "you're a Trouper" defense, comparing it to Haley. I call BS. So if you "feel it" you can suck?

Haley: Bovine picks Riannon by Stevie Nicks. Interesting: a popular, "moment-y" song? She gets a smoke/wind machine. I have to say, I was really excited for this to blow me away, and the first part kinda did, but then it just stayed "spooky" and never really soared. Still, IMHO, miles better than the others. In typical Idol fashion, the judges "mix it up" and pick different "winners" of the round. Watch how they consult their "notes" when stuff like this happens. Nigel laid down a script :) But watch back, how the crowd was hesitant to applaud Lauren when Steven said she won 2nd round-- I think they disagreed.

Beyonce's new video is ridiculous, Mad Max meets Cleopatra or something.

ROUND THREE

Funny moment as Scotty gets the text back in Garner about singing an ancient Kenny Rogers song as judges pick. See pic. He hates it, but knows he's "gotta do it". AND... his upper register blows even more chunks on this song than before. It's a cavalcade of Fail for me with Scotty tonight. He wisely refrained from picking songs like this all season. JLo even sorta admitted as much when she said she didn't have faith he could hit the chorus :"you showed us!" Yeah, he did -- just not the way he should've. Still, they heap praise on him. God damn it, he's going to win this thing. Ah, well, at this point I would take Howdy Doody over Lauren.
Scotty's dad had a cute moment, and Scotty shows sense of humor on the break, saying Dad is "In it to win it!" Seems like nice family.

We see Lauren again, surrounded by makeup artists. What is the message here?
Funny, Lauren's "package" is her at a freaking strip mall, in front of an AT&T store, LOL. The judges text her pick is Lee Ann Womack, I Hope You Dance, and she says smarmily "Y'all think I can kill that?" I don't want to hate on her but, lawd help me, I would love it if we saw her melt down on stage tonight, just when she thinks she's won it. I'm a bad person :)
She busts out her best Under The Sea Prom dress AND... powers out an "aa-ight" version of the song. Somewhere in there is a great singer, strangled by youthful ignorance and inexperience. Typically, she can't help herself, and ends by rushing a "thanku" out instead of holding a glory note. Judges shamelessly pimp her. JLo even goes so far as to say "Lauren already won this round!" Wow, nice fair play there. Thanks, but we have one contestant to go.

We see Haley getting some makeup touches, too: but take note Lil Tasters-- she has half the makeup staff and she's standing up, LOL.

Haley's in a limo getting her text, alone. Hmm, she had a big homecoming reception, yet they show her here. Idol mindfuckery always working y'all, I swear.
AND... JLo was right. Lauren kinda wins already. I realize this, because I was fooled into thinking they gave Haley good songs earlier to connect with the crowd. They only did this because they knew this last one would be a clusterfuck on a good day (see above). Almost seems like she knows it, too. It's a thankless song to have to perform on Idol. Consider this: Scotty got a song from 1978. Haley's was from 1995. By comparison, Lauren's song is downright contemporary at 2000. At least the average Idol voter was ALIVE then. Whatever, Haley stumbles in the middle but powers out some nice finishing touches. The judges don't fall out of the chairs with praise but also refrain from bashing her. At least she looked nice, like someone from the 21st century.
They should have had empty chairs tonight, or maybe sat some cardboard cutouts of Simon, Paula and (old) Randy. The judges were worthless.

I don't even know how to make a pick! Scotty seems like a lock for the finale. Dr. L and I enjoyed Haley more than Lauren so we would pick her.

But, I don't know if this is going to pan out. The only thing (even beyond VFTW) that could save Haley, IMHO, is if she picks up James Voters in a backlash against Lauren. God knows they picked Rocker-y songs for her to play to this. That, combined with Lauren and Scotty splitting the Kountry vote... well, maybe Haley could make it after all.

You know, J is the only one who could get a pre-season pick right tonight, with Lauren. I hope he's right! I fear, however that Rubbertoe might prove to be a prognosticating Genius and actually have picked the winner weeks ago in Lauren!

What the hell. America's pick in the finale: Scotty and Haley in a shocker.

-- K