Still Reeling From The Weird Show Changes, Y'all...

But here we are for Idol Season 14 Top Twelve (Eleven?) Performances!

Right off the bat, I have to ask: does it seem weird to you that we see Ryan every week, then they play the opening theme, then the announcer says his name and he walks out from the big ass doors in the stage as if we didn’t just see him?

The judges enter, I love Harry’s shirt. Did Ryan just say there will be no results shows this season? Wtf? All righty then, that makes zero sense. But Here comes Taraji PH from that lil show that could, Empire, to bring Ryan an envelope.

Whaaaa— red chairs turn green, and then they sing? Idol, come on. I like to have a few drinks and not learn some crazy new rules. This is going to take some getting used to.

OK, Rayvon gets to sing? Borchetta (who looks like Sex Machine from From Dusk Til Dawn)

gives him some advice. Then we see some pre-performance footage of R and then a split-screen with Harry giving some random comment about him. Is this what they do on the Voice? I guess anything to distract us from realizing this is year 14 of a karaoke show, right?

This is the KOD spot. I feel like nerves have constricted his throat, he seems like he has no breath. Wow that part where he tried to go false really derailed it. That was not a good start, to me. What was Keith hearing? Or Jlo? That was not good! Even Rayvon knew it. After Harry ignored the suckage, it must be clear they want him to stay.

On the commercial I cracked up at the “Ryan Seacrest Collection” from Macy’s. At some point Ryan will take over the universe I guess, and we’ll have to put a nickel in a water fountain with his mug on it.

Wait — it just dawned on me that only 11 people will sing tonight? How does that even work? So staying or leaving is not based on tonight’s performance? I guess we missed a lot of explaining — this seems nuts. So Rayvon gets to stay even thought tonight’s performance was crap?

So Maddie is next on this carousel of insanity. I see now, Idol is going to show you a package every week, and I guess you are voting on a “feeling” you have about them. She’s singing to her base, not an especially good job doing it, but she looks the part and showing some leg, so maybe she’s safe? For next week? I don’t even know what I’m evaluating here.

My God, this is two hours! So will this decide next week? Do they want us to forget the songs?

Anyway, Joey is next. I have to say, this poor kid has the yellowest teeth of anyone alive. She’s doing Fancy? Her rendition is eminently more listenable than Iggy’s, but not Charlie XCX maybe. I would buy this single. So far the best of the night. For the first time the praise seems earned.

Some dudes from Empire performed and I could not tell you anything because I sped past it.

Up next is Clark. Doing a Doobies song? I get the feeling this guy could sing the phone book and kill it. He’s definitely a favorite, and I think he’s my contender to go all the way. I think Keith was right that he should maybe strive for something sublime next time and not just great.

Ok, no surprises yet, Jax is up next. Doing T Swift? I think this is a little shaky here in the beginning. Why do Idols pick these busy songs to sing, it’s almost aways impossible to sound on key, and she’s no exception. It seemed like it took a million years to finish it. Maybe the fans out there will love it, but I think it was a mistake. Jlo agrees with me! So did Harry and Keith. Oh jesus, are we going to hear stories from Scott all season about behind the scenes Taylor Swift shit? Kill me!!!

Qaasim takes his shot. Scott admits he can’t sing as well as he performs? What a weird world we live it that this would be logical. He’s doing Jet. Come on y’all, this is pretty freaking bad. Am I being punked? If all he has is his performing, it’s a zero then. Why the hell did he choose this? He could have chosen a thousand better songs to coast though and jump around. If he doesn’t exit soon there is no God. Harry creeps up on a negative comment but we apparently live in a softball world now. Keith and Jlo loved it? Just, no.

BTW, we had an invite to go to this taping. Thank God we didn’t, it would have been all night! Also, I love Harry for his comment that explains his shirt. This is the best lineup of judges we’ve had in years. Even with the scripted comments the producers/puppet masters give them sometimes.

OK, Adanna. Doing Bruno Mars, smart choice. I love this song. She does a pretty good job. I like her voice a lot, until the last note maybe. Ok, there were some rough spots throughout but it really seems like a diamond in the rough. If she could calm down and focus, she could kill it. Jlo says this exact thing.

Of course Tyanna had to make it. How old is she? Is she an OMG 16 or something? You’d never know it. This was a catchy song but it really had no build. I think it’s clear she should go far but like Clark she needs to be careful with song choice. Jlo heaps praise on her, Harry gives her a 10, Keith makes her cry. She’s probably my No. 2 at this point behind Clark.

Daniel made it? Well, I guess he had to. I can only see him through a Bieber lens now, 5 years from now, tatted up high on Sizzurp. But let’s hope not! Vote him off, America. Aw, he’s like the cute kid at the bar mitzvah. Does he have talent? Hell yeah! But should he be here? Not for much longer. Again, if Allah is paying attention. it has to be Daniel or Qaasim next week to say adios. But I have to say, that 180 decibel shriek of the tween girls sounds like Victory.

Hey, Quentin made it. Good for him. He’s like a cooler young Lenny Kravitz. I like this arrangement, he really is a good performer. I thought that was great. He definitely should go on into the heart of this season. He’s probably in my top 3-4. I agree with Harry that one flaw was a lack of emotional depth. But hey, the kid can’t cry every show.

Who gets the last safe spot? It’s Nick. He does an OK job, a little screamy, but this was again a kind of generic version. I know if he picked a better song he could make an impact but for now he’s lost in the pack. He shouldn’t go, but how long should he stay? The judges seem to agree.

Sirena Joy is in the totally unenviable position of Judges Save on Night One. No way they will use it here! For all their posturing and changing elements of the show around, they keep this one crazy thing. Sure, if there was a way, right on the spot to keep her and eject Qaasim, I would say go for it. But that’s not how it works. And anyway, she doesn’t kill it like she needed to. We all know the Save only exists if America gets it tragically wrong and votes off a Clark or Joey maybe. And only in a later round. And so it goes.

From best to worst, Clark, Tyanna, Quentin, Joey, Adanna, Jax, Maddie, Nick, Rayvon, Daniel, Qaasim. Goodbye Sirena. What do you think?

Dr. L & K OUT!!!