I watched 500-plus hours of this?

Ah a trip down Memory Lane with Idol. How simple was it in the beginning with Kelly? Wow, none of the Idol BS distracting us. They showed us a selection of the Idols over the years, while conveniently leaving out a few LOL. It's not like there are 13 superstars out there that were minted by the Idol machine. But there were some great ones. Didn't Ryan transform, though? I like to think he's that same bleach-tipped douchebag on the inside.

So finally the contestants come out. Seems like Sesame Street, one of these things is not like the other. Won't be as much drama without Jessica -- but wait! Seems like Caleb has some medical drama. Maybe to win over the fans he alienated after he called them retards?

The judges come out and Jlo is wearing the see-thru dress from Barbarella. Keith is wearing a t-shirt anyone can actually get, from the Ryman auditorium in Nashville. Ryan couldn't take the messiness of the scruff look, he's back to his mandroid self.

Hey! On the clip from the Idol's trip home, they showed Jena hugging on a King Charles spaniel! That's the kind of dog Dr. L & I have, so cute.

Now a band called Chainsmokers is singing a song called Selfie? WTF? Now it's like a lame-ass club up in Idol. Seriously, this is the most soulless honky dance beat ever. Mercifully, it's over quick. Then they trot out a video of Farmbot (Carrie Underwear) to remind us how the Idol Overlords made her, and I guess can break her (not).

So first up: The Dawg selects a 25-year-old song from INXS to show us "where Caleb can go in the future." OK---? Make sure to rub it in that he is not 100% vocally, guys. He does OK on the song, holding back a little, understandably, only had a couple breaks in the performance due to the injury. It was a pretty good song choice. The judges at this point are throwing only softballs.

PP pops in with a cell phone video to remind us white guys with guitars can win!

Up next, Alex. Randy picks a Bastille song. It starts off shaky to me. Then he really comes alive. He ends strong. I don't know if this was the best song choice, and maybe his nerves got to him, but he pulled it off pretty well. Jlo loves it, the Harry gives him the "constructive" compliment. As if they need to shaft him to keep Caleb in! But they're hedging their bets. Hey, I just noticed: does Alex have really tiny ears? Weird.

Kris Allen comes out of Witness Protection to remind us he won, how funny.

So Jena. Stepping up the Crying Game jacket this week to Cher levels.   Doing Titanium. The lower register is nonexistent as usual. Just noticed her pants make her look like she's a lion tamer or something. I think the chorus of this was just kind of screechy. If I can predict, this was her worst performance of the night. Of course, the judges act as if she knocked it out of the park. I didn't hear it. Jlo looks like she wanted to keep it real, amazingly. Ryan has to remind us she's a week away from winning LOL.

David Cook appears in the cellphone video. Why do these look so crappy? My phone is nothing special and it takes better video than this. Maye it's more "real" this way.
 Now Round Two, the judges picks.  They choose Imagine Dragons for Caleb.  I find myself cringing when he sings, thinking about his voice. He's hitting a few more bum notes now, but overall he pulls it off. I don't know if his was the most exciting song choice ever but he will coast on his old performances. Jlo has a funny comment about telepathy with Caleb. It's all smoke and mirrors from them at this point anyway.

Candice Glover? Who's that? :-)

The judges pick Stay by Rihanna for Alex. This was much more in his wheelhouse. I wasn't familiar with the original but I liked this version. Would a pop music fan love or hate what he did with it? I like that he always has genuine emotion in his performances, every time. Keith has a moment with Parrot Breath but the judges love it.

Ha! Lee DeWyze reports in from the closet of his apartment LOL. What a f@#&ing loser.

Jena: the judges pick a Demi Lovato song -- I guarantee you I have never heard it. Maybe the tweens will swoon over it but I thought it sucked like a Tijuana donkey show. Wow, this was all over the place. Amazingly (not) the judges act like this was the BOMB. sigh.

Fantasia makes her vid, and reminds us you need a little of the cray-cray to make it in this biz. But her sentiment seemed really heartfelt. BTW, I really love the banter from the judges this year, so glad they are coming back.

Round Three, the hometown folks pick a classic Led Zep song for Caleb. In his prime he would have SLAYED it. As it is he does a pretty good job. Jlo does her version of the Santanico Pandemonium dance LOL (remember From Dusk Til Dawn?) Of course the crowd goes nuts, because hey, good music blows the shit out of Demi Lovato and her ilk any day. Ryan makes a creepy joke about Jlo giving everyone an erection? Damn.

OMG, Scotty McCreery. He really parleyed Idol into a trip out of his Alfred E. Neuman-looking existence.

Alex: the hometown folks select One Freaking Direction?!! Holy shit. I hate these guys. They give him the fancy graphic package behind him. This was probably a win for the text-voting tween girls but was this song forgettable or what? Would've been great for six or seven weeks ago, but not a "moment" in the least. The judges just gloss over it. Keith tries to keep it real but even he was sugar-coating it. "Your averages are strong" is a nice way of saying this one was not.

Jordin Sparks is a shell of her former self. I like how she says idol gave her "her Start". What's her Finish? (I was actually surprised to see she ranked 11th on all-time idol sales. That's a hell of a lot better than Candice at 54th...)

Fox has a show where naive girls are tricked into marrying a fake prince Harry? My God, Fox really sucks. They'll cancel quality scripted shows in heartbeat, just to put crap like this on the air.

 So, the hometown wants Jena to do Creep AGAIN? This is kind of a weird gamble. Dr. L said she would rather hear her sing something else. If she was trying to re-create a "moment" it was a fail in my book. The judges look less than enthused. Harry cobbles together some nonsense for his critique. Keith talks about everything but her actual performance. Jlo anoints her the winner. Gag! So anticlimactic.

So Caleb and Jena advance to the Finale -- what started off  as a breath of fresh air, unpredictable season has been wrangled back into Idol consistency.

-- Dr L & K Out!