Mississippi Mudslinging! The South Keeps its Streak Going With These Last Two Idols

Little Tasters! It’s down to the last couple of shows. We’re going to see our last three perform — but one of them will only get one song? What a strange season this has been.

So in the intro we see how they all have the Eye of the Tiger I guess? Then all three take the stage (four, considering LaPorsha’s magical Chia Pet fro, which must have its own zip code now.

So tonight and tomorrow will be at the Dolby Theater. What will Ryan do without his chance to be this generation’s Dick Clark on stage any more?

All the judges come out looking delicious. We find out the contestants will sing their “winning” song, a Simon Fuller choice (I guess this is what Clive traditionally did) and then their choice.

We see Trent’s farm to Idol story, and it has to make you think they had visions of Carrie Underwood when they heard that. He sings Falling. I hate it in the first few bars. Do they think he’s Justin Timberlake? Wtf? Dr. L likes it, she thinks it has the R & B he needs in it. You’re telling me he’s going to be singing this while the confetti is streaming down? They must know already he isn’t going to win. There’s no judging in this round, because remember how Simon would slay the shitty songs?

Looking at the Dolby I remember how you just feel like you’re stacked on top of the balconies below you like in the Matrix or something.

Scott Borchetta has on his Nic Cage jacket again, one of two this millionaire owns (other one is the music has value one). He talks about how Idol will OWN the winner forever Mwah ha haaa! Or something like that.

We see Dalton, probably the only camera-ready contestant left. This sounds more like a winner’s song. But in a weird way the cheesiness also brings more of a suck factor. They really want to neuter any kind of punk-rock spirit he has and make it pop.

LaPorsha talks about how she endangered her child and drove 28 hours to the first auditions. She must be confident she’s going to win, so Social Services won’t come after her. Her song is called Battles - of course it is. (Hey, I just saw Blind Guy Contestant from a few years back out in the crowd — what was his name? Rubbertoe, help!) This song is another supposedly another uplifting song, that really feels like it’s ten minutes long. Holy cow, these all sucked. How did Kelly get the best winner song of all?

So Ryan says when we come back from the break, we learn who gets the boot? Doesn’t that seem especially cruel? “Hey, go sing the song you will do if you win. Oh, and then, immediately find out, you won’t.” We line up our Final Three — and we find out LaPorsha is going to make it, no shit. Idol, thanks for keeping up the mind-games like the old days!!

And her number two is Trent, just as we thought. So Dalton is a gentleman and a good sport, and wishes the others well. I wish him well! He’s definitely going to get a record deal or a TV show and he’s going to do well. I dare say better than maybe whoever wins? That’s the Idol way.

So we go back to the South for an Idol winner one more time, folks. Trent takes the stage for a Melvin and the Blue Notes classic. Dr L thinks he could release this version. It is in his wheelhouse for sure. He knocks it out of the park. The judges love it. But does he have a chance?

We’re back, distracted by JLo’s boobs again. WoW! That must be 5 degrees of Wonder in that bra.

LaPorsha is doing A House is Not a Home. She probably looks the prettiest she has all competition, the whole package is great. She does a good enough job singing the song, but man, I can’t get past the fact that it seems kind of like running the scales as far as her emotion level. They just showed Kelly singing Piece by Piece last night, and that is how you should be doing it. But these folks seem to love it. If you listen to the judges’ comments they kind of echo this, it’s all about being “effortless” or how great Ricky Minor is (which he was) but there were plenty of dry eyes in the house.

So we get to see JLo reading the official edict from Simon Fuller that LaPorsha sgould win — notice how sometimes she or Keith will look down at their “notes” during the show? It’s to make sure they stay on-script.

Is it me, or does Scott Borchetta in this pic look like a creeper photo-bombing Ryan? If you ever watch Mecum Auto Auctions, there are a lot of skeezy guys like that hovering around, watching from the sidelines.

Trent comes back for his final song doing Sia’s Chandelier. What’s with the pewter tips on his jacket lapels? Is this some Star Trek version of what “future” people in 2016 would wear? Weird. He does a good job with the vocal gymnastics, but seems to be inhis head, to me. I can’t imagine the stress he must be under, though. The crowd seems to love it. The judges did too. I hope this country boy can pull a hat trick and win.

Back from break — I’ve been typing and haven’t noticed until now, there’s that russian contestant from about 8 years back. And there’s Haley Reinhart! The crowd is chock full of former Idols!

And then we get LaPorsha, doing Rihanna Diamonds. It is very entertaining watching her pull all her crazy faces out for this one song. To me, this was screechy and maybe the wrong choice? But I predict the crowd and judges will be like OMG!!! This F’ing ROCKED!!!! Let’s see: Well, no standing O. But they are all looking down at their notes, Harry JLo and Keith, so the fix is in. Read the words, puppets! Keith pulls out a nice oblique ski metaphor, kudos to you sir. And I would be remiss without saying, I love the leather jacket Captain America star outfit. JLo talks about going to a LaPorsha show, which I predict will be at a small venue near you with Lee DeWyze opening soon. Harry won’t even comment, beyond the scripted plug for her baby. Touche, Mr. Fuller! That was the coup de grace fro America.

So now it’s all over but the crying. We’ve seen better finales. Was it me, or was there a paucity of “moments” this season, this being a good time to bust one out? But it is what it is. I feel like Trent SHOULD win but won’t, as the fix is in. And maybe it would be better for him if he doesn’t. What do you guys think? We have one more show (not counting when Idol comes back for some “special event” sometime a year or two from now). It has been a fun ride! See you tomorrow, Tasters. Dr. L and K OUT!!!