<i><b>THIS</b> is AMERICAN IDOL!</i>


Wednesday, May 21, 2014

It's Confetti-eating Time!!!

Idol 2014 Results Night! I'm in the LBC and Dr. L is in Champaign Illinois, but we are comparing notes via texts and emoticons LOL.

So it all comes down to this. They stick us back in the box with the green light. Caleb and Jena re-live the audition days. Caleb says the line that will be my new catch-phrase for the next year: "Let's break some necks and cash some checks" -- THIS is American Idol!!!

So the two Idol hopefuls walk out and deliver a medley that, honestly, I fast-forwarded through. I'm going to be doing that a lot tonight LOL. They sound fine, maybe Jena had that goat-warbly thing going a little too strong, and Caleb was channeling Meat Loaf, but it's the shmaltzy opener, what do you expect. I was seriously afraid for them when the COLUMNS OF FIRE erupted behind them -- did you see how they were sweating afterward? It must have been hot as hell. You see Ryan didn't come out for any of that, nor did harry with his velvet jacket, ha. 

Ryan makes his usual creepy sexual-objectifying comment about Jlo, and she thinks about the millions they are paying her and smiles graciously. 

So they bring out Sam, and Phil Philips. They sound good together. Full disclosure, I fast forwarded again LOL. But Phil seems like an old pro already. Can't help wondering if his family is still eating dog food and living in a fridge box on Skid Row, however. 

Jennifer Nettles is next, with Jessica. I wonder why they buried her up front like this? Maybe so we don't think what might have been? I didn't care for Jess's dress but she sounded good. I may have to download some JN music. 

Ryan talks to Randy in the crowd, and Randy is wearing a hot pink velvet jacket so we don't forget about him. Randy tries to talk about "growth" but it's the same as the last 13 years, you can almost see the producer's hand up his ass making his mouth move. 

Now they show us the Jlo performance they taped last night. Nice fake intro guys! It was a combo of both takes from last night, as expected. The ending was from the 2nd for sure. You could just see me and RT on one angle! I see why they pre-taped it, Jlo wouldn't be able to spring back and do the rest of the show after two of those workouts. 

Now we see the first of the good old Idol clip montages. Harry's poker face. Ha ha! He was watching a barn-burner and barely cracked a smile! Oh, Harry.

 Next up, It's Caleb and KISS!!! 

Caleb is wearing my Cobra jacket from the Keith Urban Collection. These shirtless painted-up grandparents came out and rocked the FUG out of it. It was a little creaky on the start but once it hit the chorus it got better. For pure spectacle it was well worth it. More fire! I bet Caleb lost five pounds. After the songs, Caleb's brother comes out and shows us his future as a Juggalo. 

After the break, the second of the wacky Idol clip montages. Crazy lip syncs! This was weird, but less humiliating than most Idol clips on these type shows. The one of Keith talking about robots and corn on a train made it worth it. 

Who is Aloe Blacc? Is this the most unlikely name since Fox Mulder? Could he be any pitchier? What is this song mashup? Why so many questions? Baseball Cap Guy comes out and actually makes Dexter in his shiny suit and chin-strap beard look like a GQ cover model. Wow, Alex can really sing. He makes 90% of these other guys sound like crap in this guy-group thing. 

The Ford Rider video was weird. The funniest thing was when Majesty came onscreen and the crowd cheered -- what if she had made it to the Top 3 or so, hmm? Then they give Caleb and Jena their new obligatory 2015 Mustangs -- wow, these new Mustangs are so stylized now they look like Transformers or something. I liked the convertible that Jena got. it's just as well Caleb got a hardtop, he might blow off what hair he has left with the ragtop version. We see the Idols reward their mentors, and is it me or do we usually see them before this moment? They just kind of spring these guys on us, so I don't know how to feel about them. Good on them for getting a new Fusion, though. 

Demi Lovato comes out, and I recall the girls behind us on Performance Night going NUTS when they announced her being on the show. Really? Demi Lovato is that big of a star? This Disney factory is creeping me out, y'all. Some of the Idol girls come out and sing with her. Still seems strange not to see MK, and we get that Mystery Girl again, what's her name? And then Demi and Jena take turns yelling in each other's faces. I'll give them this, though, they blew Aloe off the stage. 

So next, Jena rolls out with a piano and sings Decode. I like her a lot better when she's just doing it without the band. Then Paramore shows up and I'm teleported back to hair and pants I had back in 1983. I didn't have the tank top, though. Maybe I should have. It's funny, Jena looks like the pro here and the chick from Paramore looks like the starry-eyed Idol finalist getting to sing with her "Idol". The balloon drop was hilarious! it totally obscured them. I think somebody read the memo wrong on the size and number of balloons. Good song, though. 

John Legend shows up and classes the joint up. Are we on a different show now? Malaya gives it the old college try but she's in too high a key. Mr. Legend sounds silky smooth as usual. I wish there were more like this!

Now the 3rd Idol Memory Lane clipfest. Ryan does a creepy Time-Travel narration (recorded in real time during the auditions but talking about the thousands of hopefuls as if they are past-tense losers already -- which I guess they are). I wanted him to tell the girl who said "I got a Golden Ticket": "Yeah, but you didn't make it." 
Maybe Ryan is like the main character in Slaughterhouse Five now, and exists outside of time. It is terrifying to contemplate. 

Back to reality: Alex teams up with Jason Mraz. This is shaping up nicely. The harmonies with Alex are great. Dr. L said she would buy this song! Best of the night so far. Just when I think the sound on my TV is going bad I hear something like this and realize it's OK, LOL, it's just the other singers. 

Randy and Ryan's family make an awkward intro for him to sing. They look just like the Atlanta Junior League and their loyal servant in the pink jacket. Ryan assaults our ears with the worst vocal ever on idol, and then Richard Marx rises from the grave to show that even a corpse can show Ryan up, if it has talent. 

The 4th clip montage is really funny. The judges were so entertaining this year. I am so glad they are coming back, it's a good mix of personalities. Hey, there was Casey and Haley out in the crowd from Season 10! I wonder if they are still a couple? So cute. 

Darius Rucker is in the house! He sounds great, but is the mix off tonight? it's hit or miss. CJ strolls out with Dexter. It's an OK jam, but not as great as it probably sounded on paper. Thank you, Idol, for flashing to the shot of the woman with the enormous boobs, I was starting to zone out. 

Lady Antebellum frolicked across my TV in fast-forward and now Ryan is standing with Jena and Caleb's fams. John Locke from Lost is back there behind them too. Caleb's dad looks like a guy you could buy some good acid from in back of the Roadhouse. 

Now the second of the pre-recorded songs from last night. You can hear the shouters from the crowd name-checking the judges apropos of nothing! So funny. This was the second taping, because you can hear the clapping. But Jlo's vocal was better for sure. All I can say is, you guys really missed out on Blister In The Sun LOL. 

So now the moment of truth: Jena and Caleb onstage with Ryan awaiting the results. Jena looks great, and Caleb looks like he has a spacesuit tuxedo made of metallic leeches. Dim the lights…

WTF?!!! Caleb wins?!!! Wow, I did not see that coming. Although, looking back on last night, he REALLY got the applause. So maybe we should have known. Jena is doing her best not to burst into flames I think. She's smiling, as are her parents, but it's the kind of stank-face smile when you know the camera is on and you won't show your enemies you have real human emotion. Nobody looks more surprised than Caleb himself, except maybe the judges, who all stood there looking gobsmacked. 

I LOVE that he made no immediate attempt to sing his victory song. I sort of hoped he could blow it off entirely, but he was a trooper and sang about 30% of it. I almost feel sorry for Simon Fuller and 19 Entertainment; good luck marketing Caleb's AOR/Classic Rock album to the over 40 crowd who love the genre he sings in LOL. 

So that's our season guys! It was fun, started off strong, and then got idol-ized by the end. Maybe next year they will just throw the votes out altogether, and if they know in advance they will get who they want, they can stop with the shenanigans. See you next time!

K and Dr. L Out!!!